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Making mountains into molehills

Thank you to everyone that congratulated me on my ONE YEAR CLEAN AS OF JANUARY 14th 2014!!! thank you thank you thank you!!! i am so proud of my self... TODAY i DO NOT make my problems into mountains.



January 19, 2014

Making mountains into molehills

Page 19

"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably."

Basic Text, p. 99

Some of us seem to make mountains out of molehills with our problems. Even those of us who've found some measure of serenity have probably blown a problem far out of proportion at some time in our recovery-and if we haven't done so yet, we probably will before long!

When we find ourselves obsessed with a complication in our lives, we will do well to sharply remind ourselves of all that is going right. Perhaps we're afraid we won't be able to pay our bills for the month. Instead of sitting at the calculator, adding our financial liabilities over and over, we can take stock of our efforts to reduce expenses. Following this mini-inventory, we continue with the task at hand and remind ourselves that as long as we are doing the footwork, a loving Higher Power will care for our lives.

Mountain-sized problems happen sometimes, but we don't need to create them. Trust in a loving God of our understanding will put most of our problems in their proper perspective. We no longer need to create chaos to feel excited about our lives. Our recovery gives us countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama.

Just for Today: I will take a realistic look at my problems and see that most of them are minor. I will leave them that way and enjoy my recovery.

I have not logged on in a while

sorry to all that started following my post, i have been working and going to my intensive outpatient program and i believe i mentioned being put on probation. I have been feeling a certain type of way lately! Im so mad that im on probation but it is what it is. On January 14th 2014 i have celebrated 1 year clean!!! i am still celebrating.

Just for Today

December 14, 2013

Addiction, drugs, and recovery

Page 364

"Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives."

Basic Text, p. 20

Before we started using, most of us had a stereotype, a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like. Some of us pictured a junkie robbing convenience markets for drug money. Others imagined a paranoid recluse peering at life from behind perpetually drawn drapes and locked doors. As long as we didn't fit any of the stereotypes, we thought, we couldn't be addicts.

As our using progressed, we discarded those misconceptions about addiction, only to come up with another: the idea that addiction was about drugs. We may have thought addiction meant a physical habit, believing any drug that didn't produce physical habituation was not "addictive." Or we thought the drugs we took were causing all our problems. We thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to our lives.

One of the most important lessons we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that addiction is much more than the drugs we used. Addiction is a part of us; it's an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without drugs. We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using. Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.

Just for Today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery.



Today i was on a social media page looking at past lives of people from my fellowship and im looking at them like WOW, no wonder why my friends and i are criticized. I have been told lately my group of friends and i look like we are on a slow motion train wreck. I agree with it somehow but now its been days since it was pointed out to me and now i come to think of it and see that the people i am recovering with whom i used with and others in these groups. I was one of the people who usually dont ever make it into the rooms. I am one of those people who isnt the same breed of human that are in these rooms or fellowship. But it is my time to get better just like the rest of these people. I truly have realized with in the last hour or so that i am doing this for my self and all the other people that i have lost along the way leading me into recovery! i am truly greatful to be alive! i love myself a little bit more each day!

Hi my name is kellie and i am a addict.

So it has been a little while since i have written.

I want to say my life has started to become unmanagable. I have not started to use, but i have started to veer off track of what i am in sight of. anyway i have a grasp on it.

I had a area meeting today, it was snowing out i really did not want to go but i thought to myself if i can go buy dope in hurricane sandy i can go to a area meeting while snow is sticking.

I went i felt important it was a big ego boost for me. It makes me feel needed, important, confident, it lets me have a opinion on something I LOVE BEING A GSR.

Anyway, i got dumped by my sponsor because she said i wasnt willing to do the work, i went about a whole week with out one and now i picked up another one.

Will this one be my next imcomplete human relationship who has authority sort to speak over me, or will i follow through. im not to sure but i am sure i need a sponsor in my life.

I also have been thinking about getting a mentor or a life coach. Just not so sure on how i do that.



Tomorrow i have IOP- i didnt go friday because of work, i cant go next friday due to work. i have to figure something out. i do know my next work weeks schedule i can schedule accordly.

Three days ago i bought two baby kittens well rescued them. They are so often i just started letting them out of my bed room today. each day i have given them a little more freedom now all doors are open and then are doing there own indy 500 around my house as we speak.

I do have a ton more i want to talk about and share, but i think i am going to stop sharing before i ramble i did just want to touch base with my fans and let you know i am still alive


thanks for letting me share

working way to much!

Hello all, sorry i havnt written in a while i have been super tired, have this sickness some type of flu or something, and working a whole bunch and trying to handle my iop and meetings.

i will come back around real soon and have something good to write about.

thanks for letting me share
Aint a woman in this world that can take my mama's place.

Ahhhh, i love tupac... even though i didnt go through what he did i sure do relate to alot of the song.

Last night i really struggled with if i was going to a meeting or not. I went with two of my friends out to eat and then went to a womans meeting in my area. I LOVE GOING TO THAT MEETING. its only a few of us but we read the Just For Today book and speak about whats going on in our life. I LOVE IT.
a year ago you couldnt put me in a room with women i didnt know. i had no compassion for anyone not even my daughter only myself! I was so selfish in my addiction. after that womens meeting my girlfriends who i met through NA automatically thought we were going to my home group where i hold the ALT GSR position. I was like wait girls i just want to go home. They forced and pushed me to go to my home group. the same group i begged them to come to a few fridays ago. its a ten pm candle light meeting awesome meeting it really is. but for some reason i guess it was my addiction telling me to just go home and isolate myself for some reason. well my friends wouldnt let that happen. they were like girlll you made us come now we love going and now were going with out you what type of shit is that. these girls or shall i say women are real i have in my life today. they pick me up when i am down as i do the same for them. so i went.

I show up and see some of my home group members and there like hey kells cool you made it you are serving the meeting as a secretary tonight. WHAT! what the fuck is this about WHY ME. I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE HERE! ok fine. so i went in got the secretary book and starting reading over what i had to say to the members who are attending this meeting. OK COOL i got through that. I spoke to my high power and was ok i understand i dont give enough to this group. you think i am struggling with speaking to members publicly which i do and i want to change that. fine. i did it ha! i passed the test and i think i did very well.... im one of those people who are in all the rooms but never raises my hand to speak.

ok now the reports are done everyone is introduced now the speaker is about to speak but who is the speaker im looking around the room and i know its not the girl sitting next to me in the speakers seat because shes a home group member as well. and honestly i had already set my mind to not listening to this broad sitting next to me because she dont say hi to she walks around like her shit dont stink please dont let this girl be speaking tonight because i know this bitch dont have shit to say. NOT TO ME anyway..

well guess what it was her!!! from the time she opened her mouth til the last sentence she said thank you for letting me speak my name is jess. my mind was going crazy thats me thats me oh ya me omg shes just like me omg wanna be gangsta chick oh words thats me but i am gangsta even in my fucking recovery what a geek. oh man really she only did shot heroin for three months and wound up losing everything wow shes like me holy shit shes speaking about my story! this is what i what i was saying my head the whole time she was speaking...

once she was done and was talking to others who were raising there hand and sharing there experience my arm just went up like i always do this shit. my arm is in the air for what felt like 20 minutes it was literally like 30 seconds. she picked me. omg she picked me. why did she pick me. why was my hand raised.

i thanked her for speaking and explained to the crowd of people all looking at me that i wasnt even going to come tonight i felt like i wasnt going to hear anything that pertained to me and the whole message and hope was for me. my higher power sat the fucking message right next to me. i guess because i thought i didnt need that meeting my higher power basically slapped me in the face with what i got out of that meeting i am very grateful today for going to that meeting last night! i had a amazing time. I HEARD THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR!!! keep coming, just dont pick up, you cant get high in you dont pick up, use the phone, there are other girls like me that may not look like me. we are all very similar, just come from different backgrounds. ADDICTION IS VERY MUCH ALIVE.

so yes i shared for my very first time last night on my own behalf. voluntarily !!! gooooo meee!!!

as for today i got to sleep late which felt fabulouss!!! my mother had her first appointment with her physical therapist today that visits her at home and she did well. at first she was stand offish and nothing was wrong with her and by the time the BEBE the therapist was leaving, my mom was walking around the house doing some exercises. truely amazing. before BEBE my mother did not want to do anything other then sit in that reclinder in which she is sitting in now but that is fine at least she got some exercise and admitted that she is in pain and losing her strength that was a really big step for my mother.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH, and watching her go through the end of her life with cancer is really hard. it sucks but at the same time i wouldnt want to watch this happening any other way but clean.

I LOVE YOU MOM- we dont say i love you alot in my house i wish i really could but its not the cool, italian gangsta thing to do. PERFECTION is the italian gangsta thing to BE! and saying i love you dont fall in into that category. whatever.

My mother is somewhat of what of the type of mother i want to be with my daughter just less judgmental and loving emotionally with my daughter. i started that off with telling her all the time everytime i speak to her that i love her.

my name is KELLIE and thanks for letting me share.

TIME FOR SELF

Hello everyone my name is kellie and im a addict.

id just like to congradulate all the people who celebrated there sober and clean time today, as well as everyone who stayed clean to.

i also want to thank everyone who has been commenting on my live journal entries it really means alot to me.

Lately i have been saying how i feel like i have alot on my plate. I feel like when i came out of jail meetings were all i had. But really i had meetings, my family, and other things that happen in like. With all that i then started taking commitments, hanging out with friends, started working, started intensive outpatient. And all with in a few weeks i felt over whelmed! i started saying like what am i doing, and i recovering the right way, asking others what they thought.

Today was my day off of work, i took time to make one meeting this morning- and spent the rest of the day and night in the house!

IM TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF. selfish as it may seem, i need me time. If I AM NOT OK, i can not help others.

Im taking my own advice i would give to someone else.

thanks for letting me share
i went to a meeting tonight and the room was packed. its really funny the things that some of these people in NA say. I always enjoy myself. Someone i seen there before said he didnt think he was a addict maybe he just didnt mix well with drugs maybe he parties to hard. another person answered that if hes sitting in this room and coming back more then once hes a addict! lol. also a friend of mine explained how his relaspe happened. he was doing so well 60 days clean and he was hanging out with a group of people and one person who is not clean said how he needed to help rake leaves with his dad, and my friend said FUCK YOU your not going to rake leaves im down lets go, and he through 60 days away for one night of grief and asking himself why he did what he did...

i do know NOW that one will never be enough and a thousand is never going to be too many!

my addiction is this tiny little voice. oh how sweet she sounds. HEY HEY YOU... please let me out please just lets do what we want to do.
and then if i was to let her out and into my head my addictions voice suddenly turns to a DEEP DARK SCAREY sounding voice. i can just see it happening.

I DO NOT RELAPSE TO BE APART OF MY STORY. i have faith in my higher power and network of friends to carry me through-

thanks for letting me share.

DESIRE TO STOP USING

IM TRYING TO MAKE A COMMUNITY for those who have the DESIRE TO STOP USING.

how can i get people to subscribe? anyone can help me with this? or want to do this with me? maybe be another modorater?

Drugs made me the person i wanted to be.

Drugs made me the person i wanted to be

Drugs turned me into the person i thought i was capable of being

Drugs made me the person i didn't want to be anymore.


I heard this in a meeting by a meeting maker (someone who makes meetings weather they need to or not, want to or not.) This person has three years clean.

ive also heard meeting makers make it! - if your constantly making meeting that means your not getting high in other words.


Anyway- when i heard this person say drugs made me the person i wanted to be i was like HOLY SHIT, that persons talking about ME. and then he continued... and now every-time i think i maybe reaching to flip that switch you know the on/off switch. So easily to be turned on but so hard to shut off i go back and remind myself of what i heard this person say.

Some of the things i did while being on drugs - i cant even imagine doing sober.

Back then when i was on drugs i was grateful to have drugs in my life. dont get me wrong i love drugs! but i dont love them enough to give up my clean time to start over or to even try and start over. I used to be like i cant do this with out drugs, i cant go there with out drugs and now that all seems so disgusting to me all the time i spent on drugs having a drug addicted baby girl be in the hospital for up to 2 months losing her to foster care like it was the ok thing to do. its all disgusting but my addiction still takes me back to those good ol days where i was able to party and so i thought have some what control over my own mind.

I have a best friend who is going through the same battle just in different ways. My life her life used to be kayo-tic. My life isn't anymore and hers still is. She has alot more clean time then i do but struggles as well.

i constantly remind myself and her that we have things to be grateful for today.
we didn't have stuff to be greatful for while in our addiction other then the people who bought drugs from us.

TODAY- i am grateful to live a clean happy life no matter how much stuff i am piling on my plate.

TODAY- i am grateful to at least be able to try and be a productive member of society.

TODAY- i am grateful to have a network of women in my life who truly love me for me, and are going to continue to love me until i can fully love myself.

TODAY- i am grateful to be alive, breathe fresh air, baske in the sunshine or cold rainy weather.

TODAY- i am grateful that i am no longer hurting my family and my daughter knows who her mommy is.

i love you cassidy!